Deception Bread

Robert and I really do have a fantastic relationship.

We base our trust off what we call “open forum policy”.  We’re both too exhausted by general life to bother keeping things from each other.  Besides the fact that we know each other so well we can smell a lie by a mile off, why on Earth would it be worth the energy to lie to my better half?

Indeed, I can think of no reason I would ever lie to Robert (half the time I accidentally tell him what his Christmas is months in advance).  But stretch the truth?  Conveniently forgetting a few major minor details?  Well, we all have things we’re less proud of.20160211_223343

In this case the truth stretching is the main ingredient in a side dish I am lovingly calling Deception Bread.  It’s cauliflower based cheesy bread substitute.  Robert thought it was made out of eggs and asked such.  “No… Not eggs…”  Lies of omission are lies all the same, but I’ll take my chances to sneak a few more servings of vegetables into our lives.

I’m a little late to the cauliflower crust party.  In fact, I have been morally opposed to it for years.  I truly enjoy cauliflower,so I thought it was kind of shady to try and dress it up like something it’s not.  It’s a little extra work, but certainly isn’t hard, to go from a head of cauliflower to something that can pass as cheesy bread.20160211_223212

A word of caution before we begin:

This tastes like cauliflower.  This does not taste like cheesy bread.  If you don’t want it to taste like a vegetable you probably shouldn’t make a vegetable based side dish.  With that being said, there’s so much cheese in this please do not count it as a “healthy alternative”.  It’s certainly more healthy, but I wouldn’t stretch so far as to call it a salad.

I served the Deception Bread with chicken parmesan.  The leftovers were fab with poached eggs and pesto.  Le yum.

Assemble your ingredients!

  • 1 Cauliflower head
  • 4 eggs
  • 1 Cup Italian cheese
  • 1 Cup Parmesan
  • 1.5 Tablespoon Oregano
  • 5 cloves garlic, minced
  • salt & pepper, to taste
  • 1-2 Cups Cheese (topping cheese)


  1. Preheat oven to 425 F, and line a large baking pan with parchment.
  2. Chop chop chop your cauliflower head into small chunks.  I chose to use the stems because that’s the most nutritious part.  You could just use the florets, but that would make you wasteful and silly.
  3. In about 3 small batches, blitz your cauliflower in a powerful blender or food processor until it’s the texture of course corn meal.  You could also use a ricer, but I don’t know anyone who actually owns a ricer.
  4. Put blitzed cauliflower into a microwavable dish.  Cover and nuke for 10 minutes.
  5. Once it cools to a touchable temperature, add your eggs, 2 cups cheese, garlic, and oregano. 20160211_212931
  6. Mix that nonsense well.
  7. Dump it onto a jelly roll pan lined with parchment.
  8. Smoosh it out to the sides until it’s more or less even.20160211_213231
  9. Stick it in the oven for about 25 minutes, until you start to get a little browning on the top. (No, you forgot to take a picture of this step!)
  10. Add your remaining cheese to the top of your Deception Crust, and place back in the oven for about 5 minutes, or until your cheese is to your desired meltyness.
  11. Slice into squares, rectangles, or dodecagons.
  12. Lie to your loved ones, and drown your guilt in this delicious cheesy bread alternative.20160211_223343


Recipe adapted from Here.


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